Life After Izzy
It’s been just over 4 months since my golden retriever Izzy left us. One hundred and thirty six days. It’s hard to imagine my life without her. Yet, somehow I am. Honestly, I don’t know how people who’ve lost their young children or spouses cope.
There’s no correct way to grieve. Everyone goes through the process in their own way, in their own time. For the first two weeks I felt physical pain. My heart hurt, my stomach was in knots, I couldn’t sleep. All I wanted was to see her, pet her and kiss her. Just one more time.
I had regrets telling the vet I agreed that I needed to end her life. I couldn’t stop pondering the questions - What if I made the wrong decision? What if I had gotten a second opinion? What if I waited to see the oncologist a couple of days later. What if I had gone ahead and had the fluid around her heart drained.
As Izzy was taking her final breaths, at one point I wanted to tell the vet to stop, this isn’t right. But I knew it was already too late. It’s a horrible feeling really. Being the reason a life has ended. Even in the name of love. Just gut wrenching awful.
She was never supposed to outlive me. I knew that when I brought her home 13 years ago. But more than anything, I didn’t want to let her go. And so I must face the inevitable. Life does go on.
I have two other dogs who need me. One who also lost her best friend. Who was just as lost as me without Izzy. Who didn’t know how to cope with her fears without her support buddy. Somehow, we needed to find a way to get through this. Not over it. Just through it. You never get over losing a family member. Ever.
So we adapt. Define a new normal. Little by little we shed fewer tears. Stop avoiding cleaning the last of her fur balled up in dust bunnies in the corners of the house. Pack up the medication and donate it. Wash the towel she slept on her last night here on earth.
Our family is forever changed. And change again it must. My terrier mix Kita needs a new dog sibling. She has never been good being alone. Having Izzy kept her anxieties under control. And while we have an Aussie mix, at 14 1/2 years of age, we know our time with her is running out too.
Our hearts are sad. But we have room to love again. So we reach out to a golden retriever rescue group. Within a couple of weeks, a goofy rambunctious 10 month old has come to live with us. She’s scared of everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I begin to wonder if we’ve made a mistake.
Ironically, the puppy overcomes her fears by looking to Kita for guidance. For support. And oddly Kita finds some semblance of a new normal in this oversize goofball. We give the puppy a new name - for a fresh start in life. Zoey. It fits her well.
She makes us laugh. Gives us something to focus on as we help her cope with all the recent changes in her life. A new home. A new family. Living without her littermate and brother.
Kita starts acting like herself, doing things she stopped after Izzy left. It’s nice to see, makes me realize we’ve done the right thing by adopting a new family member. My heart starts to heal.
I can’t imagine life without Izzy. I still feel guilty sometimes. About what happened. For loving another dog so soon after losing my golden girl. I tell myself maybe Izzy sent Zoey to us. I wish the two girls could have met. Yet, I know, without Izzy, I wouldn’t have Zoey.
Funny how life gives you what you need, even when you have no clue yourself. Life does go on. And Izzy will always be a part of it. I will always love her. And once again, I will let another girl steal my heart.
